The hundred tiny talks looks like this. I was walking through Barnes and Noble with my oldest this weekend, we passed the "Extraordinary Value" section- (you know the rows I mean, near the front with giant books on hang gliding, sourdough bread, the history of flamenco dancing). Tucked into these titles was a huge book of human anatomy. I picked it up and flipped to a page at random, landing on the bones of the pelvis and femur. A few flips later, we saw some detailed diagrams of ovaries and the uterus.
(Man this blog post took a turn, didn't it?)
I pointed this out to my daughter, aged 8. We had a 30 second discussion about ovaries, how women have them and they hold all your eggs, releasing them through the Fallopian tube and into the uterus through a period of your life. She nodded, pointing to the space on my body where the diagram told her ovaries were located. We closed the heavy book and immediately turned our attention to an equally huge book on origami.
There. Right there. That's all it takes.
That is a tiny talk. That is truth and trust-building.
(Your mileage may vary on what you think needed information is- there are 8 year olds who have a more detailed knowledge of human anatomy and reproduction than you'd believe, and there are 8 year olds saying "hoo-hoo" with a vague idea that's where you pee).
We have found the spot on the information spectrum we're happy with, and with a hundred (two hundred? A thousand?) tiny talks, we are trying to slowly, factually, and positively explaining the birds and the bees to the kids.
This is a long game. I try to give the kids opportunities early and often in life (a tip I got from an unbelievably wise mother). Finding space for a tiny talk works best for us in the midst and busyness of everyday life. Helping bathe a little sibling or cousin naturally brings up inevitable questions which can be confidently answered. Leaving a box of sanitary products on the kitchen counter while unloading groceries or asking a child to put them away in the bathroom can prompt a quick conversation.
My answers sound something like "Those are sanitary products. They help grown up girls and ladies be comfortable when they bleed once a month. The bleeding doesn't hurt at all, it just means your uterus didn't need that soft red lining to grow a baby. Since it doesn't need it, out it comes". This kind of verbiage may not be for you- I totally get it. I still back away from super specific language many times- go where you're comfortable. Start there.
You don't have to go it alone- enlist your trusted tribe of Moms. A comfortable friend or aunt nursing a baby can answer questions from inquiring minds (and oh man, are there questions- does it hurt? What does it taste like? Where does it come from? Is it hard to make? How long will baby eat? Did I eat this way?).
Tiny talks happen when I just chat as I go. I could explain that I'm making dinner for a friend who just had a baby, because the Mom probably isn't getting around very well just yet. Explain why. Talk about the nice meals people brought you when your own kids were born or adopted- new Mommas need help.
Your tiny talk doesn't have to be scary, complicated, perfectly scripted or awkward. A tiny talk is any passing on of knowledge. It's a quick name correction, function explanation, hygiene lesson, or value taught. It's all casually stated as factually as what's for dinner. Stay on topic as long as it makes sense- (for us the shorter the better) then move on.
That's your vagina, kiddo. Finish your homework before you go outside.
I have been asked why we've decided to tackle this particular topic head-on with gusto.
The answer is something like:
- I want to teach my kids body safety, and they have to know about their body in order to protect it.
I want them to understand that we are the gatekeepers. We will tell you if another person should be involved with your body (for instance, Mom is there when the doctor examines you). We help you keep yourself safe. If the person didn't come through Mom and Dad, they aren't a person there to help. More on this another time.
- I want to lean into the intimate, potentially awkward conversations now so that as time goes on, as conversations widen to include "good and bad pictures", the internet, other kids and technology, or conversations with peers, my kids will know that Dad and I are infinitely trustworthy, and if you ask, we will always tell you the answer. Always.
- I want my kids to know how their bodies work, how to take care of them, and what to do when something isn't right, either with their physical health or otherwise.
These tiny talks are easily held while doing something- driving, dishes, folding laundry, putting away food, cleaning rooms, making beds. Serious voices and eye contact not necessary- or even recommended. Everyone just keep doing what you're doing- we're just going to have a quick chat about gestation while we peel carrots. No biggie.
This is an imperfect system implemented by imperfect people- I'm sure I make mistakes often and I just hope they're smoothed by the good answers. Very often, I find myself answering a question with a question to determine what information the child is actually after. I try not to make assumptions about what they know and don't know- as some things are repeated many times, and sometimes the kids surprise me with information they were given years ago.
We try to answer any questions- but if I need more time or don't have the words ready, I say "Good question. Let me think about it so I explain it well". Sometimes it takes a minute (or hour, or day) to shake off your own nerves and plunge back into the topic with your child. No problem. The process of calmly receiving a question, thinking though the answer, and getting back to them as soon as you can is an invaluable tool for building rapport.
This shows your child, "You can trust me. I will always tell you the truth. I keep my word".
So that's it. Piles and piles of tiny talks as opposed to a few big talks. Sprinkling knowledge and values all over the years so they feel as if they've always known, and they always known who to come to. Wish us luck.
(Man this blog post took a turn, didn't it?)
I pointed this out to my daughter, aged 8. We had a 30 second discussion about ovaries, how women have them and they hold all your eggs, releasing them through the Fallopian tube and into the uterus through a period of your life. She nodded, pointing to the space on my body where the diagram told her ovaries were located. We closed the heavy book and immediately turned our attention to an equally huge book on origami.
There. Right there. That's all it takes.
That is a tiny talk. That is truth and trust-building.
(Your mileage may vary on what you think needed information is- there are 8 year olds who have a more detailed knowledge of human anatomy and reproduction than you'd believe, and there are 8 year olds saying "hoo-hoo" with a vague idea that's where you pee).
We have found the spot on the information spectrum we're happy with, and with a hundred (two hundred? A thousand?) tiny talks, we are trying to slowly, factually, and positively explaining the birds and the bees to the kids.
This is a long game. I try to give the kids opportunities early and often in life (a tip I got from an unbelievably wise mother). Finding space for a tiny talk works best for us in the midst and busyness of everyday life. Helping bathe a little sibling or cousin naturally brings up inevitable questions which can be confidently answered. Leaving a box of sanitary products on the kitchen counter while unloading groceries or asking a child to put them away in the bathroom can prompt a quick conversation.
My answers sound something like "Those are sanitary products. They help grown up girls and ladies be comfortable when they bleed once a month. The bleeding doesn't hurt at all, it just means your uterus didn't need that soft red lining to grow a baby. Since it doesn't need it, out it comes". This kind of verbiage may not be for you- I totally get it. I still back away from super specific language many times- go where you're comfortable. Start there.
You don't have to go it alone- enlist your trusted tribe of Moms. A comfortable friend or aunt nursing a baby can answer questions from inquiring minds (and oh man, are there questions- does it hurt? What does it taste like? Where does it come from? Is it hard to make? How long will baby eat? Did I eat this way?).
Tiny talks happen when I just chat as I go. I could explain that I'm making dinner for a friend who just had a baby, because the Mom probably isn't getting around very well just yet. Explain why. Talk about the nice meals people brought you when your own kids were born or adopted- new Mommas need help.
Your tiny talk doesn't have to be scary, complicated, perfectly scripted or awkward. A tiny talk is any passing on of knowledge. It's a quick name correction, function explanation, hygiene lesson, or value taught. It's all casually stated as factually as what's for dinner. Stay on topic as long as it makes sense- (for us the shorter the better) then move on.
That's your vagina, kiddo. Finish your homework before you go outside.
I have been asked why we've decided to tackle this particular topic head-on with gusto.
The answer is something like:
- I want to teach my kids body safety, and they have to know about their body in order to protect it.
I want them to understand that we are the gatekeepers. We will tell you if another person should be involved with your body (for instance, Mom is there when the doctor examines you). We help you keep yourself safe. If the person didn't come through Mom and Dad, they aren't a person there to help. More on this another time.
- I want to lean into the intimate, potentially awkward conversations now so that as time goes on, as conversations widen to include "good and bad pictures", the internet, other kids and technology, or conversations with peers, my kids will know that Dad and I are infinitely trustworthy, and if you ask, we will always tell you the answer. Always.
- I want my kids to know how their bodies work, how to take care of them, and what to do when something isn't right, either with their physical health or otherwise.
These tiny talks are easily held while doing something- driving, dishes, folding laundry, putting away food, cleaning rooms, making beds. Serious voices and eye contact not necessary- or even recommended. Everyone just keep doing what you're doing- we're just going to have a quick chat about gestation while we peel carrots. No biggie.
This is an imperfect system implemented by imperfect people- I'm sure I make mistakes often and I just hope they're smoothed by the good answers. Very often, I find myself answering a question with a question to determine what information the child is actually after. I try not to make assumptions about what they know and don't know- as some things are repeated many times, and sometimes the kids surprise me with information they were given years ago.
We try to answer any questions- but if I need more time or don't have the words ready, I say "Good question. Let me think about it so I explain it well". Sometimes it takes a minute (or hour, or day) to shake off your own nerves and plunge back into the topic with your child. No problem. The process of calmly receiving a question, thinking though the answer, and getting back to them as soon as you can is an invaluable tool for building rapport.
This shows your child, "You can trust me. I will always tell you the truth. I keep my word".
So that's it. Piles and piles of tiny talks as opposed to a few big talks. Sprinkling knowledge and values all over the years so they feel as if they've always known, and they always known who to come to. Wish us luck.
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