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Stand Where You Can

I spent a lot of time with my dad growing up and when I look back, I see a strong pattern emerges.  I see him on mall benches or in hospital waiting rooms.  He's waiting at the foot of the stairs, never entering the four-girl sanctuary of our upper floor.  Fathers of daughters are always politely gestured or escorted to a seat while moms are gestured forward.  My dad was always just outside.

When I gave birth and was still being sorted out by nurses and doctors...  He was there, in the room- checking emails or sending the news to friends or watching golf with his body politely facing the other direction.  As close as he could be- never asking to be closer or moving further away in a huff.  He never made it about him.  

Many, many times, as I think back, he was there, but he wasn't close enough to see.  

If you are too far from someone you love, whether it be distance, 2021 life, or a strained relationship, stand where you can, even if you can't see.  

Stand in your texts, in your calls.  Stand in your snail mail, your e-Starbucks card you sent, the package with the cozy blanket and lemon soap you put together.  Stand in sharing old photographs of the two of you when you were younger. Stand in sending song lyrics and memes and poems that feel right.  Share the hilarious or horrendous things your children are saying.  Even if we're out of touch... I'm learning to stand in my prayers if that's all I have to give.  

This year has humbled me to the point of breaking, and I don't have the time or energy or resources to be the powerhouse love glitter bomb I would like to be.  Maybe the upside to this is the lesson that it's not about the perfectly executed meal drop off coordination or spot-on advice.  I'm working to stand where I am and love from there, even if I can't see. 

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